dearest vek

It's not fun to see someone you love in that green hospital gown with multiple needles shot through their right hand. It's not fun to see them in pain and have to rely on pills and medication to take that pain away. And it's certainly not fun to see them so upset over being away from their family and friends. I hated seeing you lying down on that bed unable to get away without having to pull out wires and carry that monitor around. You were so fragile and soft, eating different fruits in a place so foreign. You weren't the man who smelled so heavily of cigarettes and cologne. You didn't have that arrogant smirk that you wore so often. You were just lying there on that bed, still and unmoving. I wanted to tell you so much about my day and how crazy it was. How i couldn't stop crying and all i wanted to do was see you from the moment i woke up all panicked. How i desperately texted your mum for your ward information that she never gave me. I wanted to tell you how my mother went crazy and cut me with a kitchen knife to get a picture off my laptop because i didn't give her the attention she wanted while i was watching the devil rock off that you so often sang to me. I couldn't. Seeing you on that hospital bed broke my heart. I was so worried. 

Now you're out and on the road to recovery. Your mum still hates me and tells me to stop disturbing you and let your heart rest. All we do is fight. I hate fighting with you. I want you to rest and recover and be happy. I'm not helping with my negative presence. I need to give you your space to find peace. Please be strong and know that i love you so.

love ems
xx

zz

My sister's relentless need for me to see a psychiatrist has been bothering me recently. She has been trying to get me to see this lady for weeks now and i never really know how to react until suddenly today she told me that the lady will be looking for me through my mentor in school.  How does someone react to this? Isn't it all too soon?

I've never met a counselor or anyone "certified" i've talked to whom i never hated. I do talk to my family and friends, isn't that enough? Of course i never tell them the whole story. I'm always too ashamed to reveal myself to people. I tell different people different little sides of me hoping that they could piece it together to see what i really am. I never feel comfortable telling two people the same thing. In my little fucked up mind people only deserve what i'm willing to give them. Take it or leave it. Nobody deserves all of me. Only i deserve what i see in front of the mirror, and even that isn't enough for me. How can i ever satisfy anyone else when i don't even please myself. I feel like i split myself into small pieces. Enough to pass around, enough for people to say "hmm, that's the ems i know". No. You don't know. Nobody knows. Fuck off.

I guess that's just me. I'm just the little somebody that everybody needs in their life that makes them grateful for their.

I'm a homeless wreck and i need to fix my shit.

“If you love a flower, don’t pick it up.”
because if you pick it up it dies and it ceases to be what you love.
So if you love a flower, let it be.
Love is not about possession.
Love is about appreciation.”

—

Osho

dream a little dream of me

I live in the dream realm. I look forward to sleep. I enjoy the darkness that grows when my lids come to a close. Embracing the soft sounds in the background while I'm curled on my bed, still and vulnerable, leaving my body to rest for an 8-hour slumber.

It starts. The darkness turns into a huge screen just like in the movies. Familiar faces turn up on it and the scene starts small. Growing wilder as it plays along. A wonderland. An escape. A fairy tale. Even when it's bad, it's good. Every night a new story plays and I just lay there enjoying the show.

with eyes closed, it's you i'm thinking of

Close your eyes and I'll kiss you
Tomorrow I'll miss you
Remember I'll always be true

I need this more than i think. Please be patient with me. I love you more than you know.

“I am an excitable person who only understands life lyrically, musically, in whom feelings are much stronger as reason. I am so thirsty for the marvellous that only the marvellous has power over me. Anything I can not transform into something marvellous  I let go. Reality doesn't impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls.”

Anaïs Nin

Romanticise life