Still. Motionless.

Physical environment - 4
Business/career - 1
Finances - 5
Health - 7
Family and friends - 6
Romance - 0
Personal Growth - 10
Fun and recreation - 3

As you can most probably tell, my life is kind of motionless right now. Still figuring it out. Still trying to fix my shit and start being happy again. Honestly, i'm exhausted. With school. With my family. With myself. I need a rest. Sigh. I'm not sure what to do right now. I am in need of a long bath and a good book. After o-levels? Ugh. My life can only begin after o-levels, on the 15th of November. Endure. Stay focus. Relax.

xx

Liars suck

I really hate it when someone lies to me.

To leave is better to be left.

- Sherrilyn Kenyon's, Devil may cry.


This is a picture i have taken from one of the scenes that i loved very much from this book where Acheron was advising his daughter, Kat, on love.


Your heart is the most important thing to protect. Never let anyone in or out. Pain is only bearable when it hasn't reached its edge. Prevention is better than cure. No one can hurt you unless you let them. It is always better to be uncaring. Unfeeling. Strong. You may think that I am a sadistic person for thinking this way, but this is safety. This is not allowing anyone the chance to create hurt or fear.

Love is silly and superfluous. The last time i had said it to someone whom i thought was special to me, i believed that i understood what it meant to love. I didn't. I was being foolish. The person i thought i had loved, i never really loved at all. I was only in love with the idea of being in love. My friends weren't help either because they praised him so much so it made me feel as though that love was real. "Love" made me feel happy, accepted, special, new. Most of all, it made me feel loved. I guess when that brief period ended, i was quite upset. Imagine having all you desired one day, and have it taken away another. It caused a lot of hate, anger and sadness to grow inside of me. I isolated myself from the people i cared most because i finally knew the power of abandonment. I knew how it had felt. It felt like a strike of a lightning bolt, perpetually pounding on your chest like as though you deserved it. Like you deserved to be punished and tormented. I utterly despised it that feeling of dire pain, so much so it derived a kind of bad habit that fed and bred the paranoia living inside of me. I kept reminding myself everyday at that point, to leave is better to be left. It was what had got me through it all, but because i have always been a strong, hard-shelled girl, it didn't take me long to get over that grieve.

I never got to write this before because i didn't want to look stupid, but i wanted to be able to look back at this text and smile. Smile because i know i have grown from this experience and not become some love-sick bimbo :)


xx, hugs ;)

Haunted house?

I have had a wonderful weekend, even though it had some scary bits here and there that i wished i had unseen or unheard, sadly it isn't possible. My best mate, Mutma stayed over the entire weekend and we had so much fun doing nothing but read and have dinner at my dad's restaurant. She was such a sweetheart, because my house has been a little freaky lately, and she stayed over to comfort me in all my loneliness! Also, i have really scary scary stuff to tell you all that freaked the hell out of me. It's about my house. It is the creepiest thing ever and I'd die if i ever had to stay home alone for even one single night! Eeep! 
Maybe i should tell you guys about it another time? I'm still trying to get used to it and i really don't want to freak myself out about it anymore than i already have.. Hm. Please don't laugh about my silliness though, hehe.


xx


P.S; The book i am reading now is by Sherrilyn Kenyon, called devil may cry. Her books are really good reads! I have 3 of her books so far and really enjoyed them. Also, I've gotten Mutma to read one of her books (which was and still is my favourite, called Acheron) and she absolutely LOVES it though it is dreadfully thick. It could be easily mistaken for a dictionary, really! Haha. My friend introduced me to her books. Though we don't speak to each other anymore, I'm glad she had brought S.Kenyon's books to my attention. They bring me so much comfort :)

London riots

I just think that life should be simpler, don't you? No more of these riots, please. The Earth will crumble with all the hate growing around us. We should never hate. Hate has always been too strong a word. Though i am in a terrible imposition to say such a thing as i am rather guilty for having such venom in my blood as hate. Controlling my emotions, creating an inability to carry on suitably well in my daily mundane routines. However, enough is enough. I will stop this immediately. No more unhappiness. No more bipolar-like attitude. I will that cheerful girl i once was... Soon.

I returned the books i borrowed from the library earlier today. John Keats' poems were rather pleasant but i must say John Clare has made quite an impression on me. His poems were deep and well written. I enjoyed reading most of his poems. However there were only so few i was allowed to read in the book of collective poems. I tried searching for his works in the library but to no avail. There was none. Woodlands Regional Library, you have disappointed me! I shall search elsewhere, but until then the internet is useful enough. 

x

17th birthday

Had the best birthday today! Just something simple, as i would have always preferred it :) Took hours to get ready today! I mean really, i'm not even joking guys. My best friend, Mut, came over at about 12pm and we only left at half past 2! That is just, wow. Haha. Remember how i said i wanted to get myself Jane Austen novels? Well, my dearest sister, Belle, got me Emma! Oh my god, i almost died! She told me she wanted to get me Pride & Prejudice but they didn't have them in the store. But wow! I really love it! :D And Mut got me this beautiful set of jewelry! Aw they are so pretty and cute! Imma wear the earrings every single day for school! Belle told me Mut starved a whole week for school just to get me my present! Aw! How sweet can she be? Love them both to bits really! I can't lie, i've been having a terrible week and been straying away from company. I've also been accompanied by pessimistic thoughts and carrying around a bad attitude... But today is just what i needed! I just needed some fun with no added drama, though there were some.. It was tolerable! Hehehe. I'm just really happy right now :P My dad was awesome suddenly and got me lots of expensive clothes! Weird. Haha love it though :D However, I didn't get to see my mum and the kids though :( Which made me a little sad because family is everything to me. I love my family very much! Sigh. I shall see them next week hopefully. Optimism is key everybody! ^^ 
xx