dull

“I can understand other people’s situations in their own terms, but I still can’t understand mine. I’m in love with everyone I’ve ever met in one way or another. I’m just a crazy, unhinged, disaster of a human being.”

- Edie Sedgwick

So life has been pretty dull. I feel an anger growing inside of me and it won't seem to go away. I don't know how long i would be able to keep this anger in me, i feel like an active volcano. Ready to explode, ready to erupt. That's it. I need a vacation. I need to go on holiday. Let's go together?

don't you dare look out your window, darling everything's on fire

I'm not sure about what i am doing with my life. Why must it all be so confusing? I just want to lay in bed all day and do nothing, speak to no one and enjoy the peace.

xx

right now

I am so sick of people. I can't stand conversing with them, being around them. I just feel disgusted with humanity at the moment. Early this morning i got my school admission results, and i found out i got accepted into Republic Polytechnic, to do the course I've always wanted to do. Even then i didn't feel like sharing my happiness with anyone. I looked through my contact list through my phone and there was not one person i wanted to call. Not my mum, or even my best friend. I don't know what i am feeling. And I'm pretty sure it is a temporary thing. I just don't feel like talking to anyone. I feel like being alone for awhile. Sigh. So I'm sorry if i don't reply your calls or text messages. And i especially hate men right now. So if you have male genitalia, stay away from me. 

They.

They listen but they don't care for the content of the conversation. They want to know but they don't care for the situation at hand. They want to help but they don't. They want to advise us but instead they state the obvious. They want the best for us but they lie. They want to make us happy but the ignore us. They need to stop pretending. No they didn't help us. They made us feel worst.

A not so poetic poem

Can't stop the hate that's running through my veins. Can't fight the power that forbade me of my freedom. Doomed forever in a melancholic hole of anger and frustrations. Not a single ray of light to show me back to where I belong. A happiness that is now relished by someone more worthy. To have something and not realise it's importance until it's absence is felt may be the cruelest of life's lessons.

who freaking cares

Stop being a judgemental prick and let everyone live their lives the way they want to. It's none of your business what i do or don't do! Gosh i am so sick of people who judges and picks on every little detail of my life. So what if i'm like this or that? What does that have to do with you? Just shut the fuck up and quit being a bitch. Fix yourself before you try to fix someone else's! 

bleagh hair

I dyed my hair red on the 15th and fuck did it turn out badly!

Still. Motionless.

Physical environment - 4
Business/career - 1
Finances - 5
Health - 7
Family and friends - 6
Romance - 0
Personal Growth - 10
Fun and recreation - 3

As you can most probably tell, my life is kind of motionless right now. Still figuring it out. Still trying to fix my shit and start being happy again. Honestly, i'm exhausted. With school. With my family. With myself. I need a rest. Sigh. I'm not sure what to do right now. I am in need of a long bath and a good book. After o-levels? Ugh. My life can only begin after o-levels, on the 15th of November. Endure. Stay focus. Relax.

xx

What song are you listening to Singapore?

Is it just me or was the guy at #3:30 really something? All man and emanating a kind of sexy confidence.... Err, i mean.. He has a great smile. Yup! Just a great smile. Nothing else. Haha but all jokes aside, i have watched quite a number of "What song are you listening to (insert name of country here)" and i think that most Singaporeans don't really know what they're listening to. It's almost as if they were forced to listen to a kind of music that every one else likes.. Hm. Just a thought, not trying to offend my fellow people. So try not to be too mad at me yeah?

To leave is better to be left.

- Sherrilyn Kenyon's, Devil may cry.


This is a picture i have taken from one of the scenes that i loved very much from this book where Acheron was advising his daughter, Kat, on love.


Your heart is the most important thing to protect. Never let anyone in or out. Pain is only bearable when it hasn't reached its edge. Prevention is better than cure. No one can hurt you unless you let them. It is always better to be uncaring. Unfeeling. Strong. You may think that I am a sadistic person for thinking this way, but this is safety. This is not allowing anyone the chance to create hurt or fear.

Love is silly and superfluous. The last time i had said it to someone whom i thought was special to me, i believed that i understood what it meant to love. I didn't. I was being foolish. The person i thought i had loved, i never really loved at all. I was only in love with the idea of being in love. My friends weren't help either because they praised him so much so it made me feel as though that love was real. "Love" made me feel happy, accepted, special, new. Most of all, it made me feel loved. I guess when that brief period ended, i was quite upset. Imagine having all you desired one day, and have it taken away another. It caused a lot of hate, anger and sadness to grow inside of me. I isolated myself from the people i cared most because i finally knew the power of abandonment. I knew how it had felt. It felt like a strike of a lightning bolt, perpetually pounding on your chest like as though you deserved it. Like you deserved to be punished and tormented. I utterly despised it that feeling of dire pain, so much so it derived a kind of bad habit that fed and bred the paranoia living inside of me. I kept reminding myself everyday at that point, to leave is better to be left. It was what had got me through it all, but because i have always been a strong, hard-shelled girl, it didn't take me long to get over that grieve.

I never got to write this before because i didn't want to look stupid, but i wanted to be able to look back at this text and smile. Smile because i know i have grown from this experience and not become some love-sick bimbo :)


xx, hugs ;)

Restless, tired and hot but it's all good!

The preparatory exams are in two weeks and i am still unprepared! I've been studying more frequently nowadays and started focusing in my classes but I'm afraid it isn't enough! I have been so stressed out recently that my skin isn't at its best! I have spots everywhere on my face and it is freaking me out! Sigh plus it is the fasting month and i have been feeling restless, tired and hot easily (constantly!). Meh meh meh it'll be over soon :) O-levels in 2 months and after that it is all over and I'll be as free as a bird!! Can't wait! However, till then i must sacrifice my time and patience :) Don't worry it'll be okay ems ^^

x.

p.s; I will be taking my o-levels English oral examinations this Thursday, wish me lots of luck! 

London riots

I just think that life should be simpler, don't you? No more of these riots, please. The Earth will crumble with all the hate growing around us. We should never hate. Hate has always been too strong a word. Though i am in a terrible imposition to say such a thing as i am rather guilty for having such venom in my blood as hate. Controlling my emotions, creating an inability to carry on suitably well in my daily mundane routines. However, enough is enough. I will stop this immediately. No more unhappiness. No more bipolar-like attitude. I will that cheerful girl i once was... Soon.

I returned the books i borrowed from the library earlier today. John Keats' poems were rather pleasant but i must say John Clare has made quite an impression on me. His poems were deep and well written. I enjoyed reading most of his poems. However there were only so few i was allowed to read in the book of collective poems. I tried searching for his works in the library but to no avail. There was none. Woodlands Regional Library, you have disappointed me! I shall search elsewhere, but until then the internet is useful enough. 

x